JOKES !

Mind Your Own Business

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons.

One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble.

One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek.

Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred.

Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes.

Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?”

“Playing a game,” the boy replied.

“What is your name?” the officer questioned.

“Mind Your Own Business.”

Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!”

The boy replied, “Why, yes.”

 

 

 

A Silent Fart 

An elderly couple are in church.

The wife leans over and whispers to her husband,

“I just let out a long, silent fart.

What should I do?”

The husband replies,

“First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!”

 

Aging Problems

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget.

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream.

“You might want to write it down,” she said.

The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.”

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.

“Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.”

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

“Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes.

He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.

The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks,

“Where’s the toast?”

 

 

Call when it is safe for me to come home 

A father passing by his son’s bedroom,

was astonished to see the bed was nicely made,

and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, “Dad.” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…

“Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice,

but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos,

tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion,

Dad, She’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.

We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry, Dad. I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I’m over at Jason’s house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!

 

 

 

Smart Way To Make Police Report.

George Phillips was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed.

George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked,

“Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation.

Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.

Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

 

Welcome bitches and bastards 

On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting.

He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch.

He asks, “Mommy, what does bastard mean?”

She answers, “Um, it means boy.”

Then he asks, “Daddy, what does bitch mean?”

He says, “Uh, it means girl.”

Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving;

the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, “Sh*t.”

The son asks, “What does that mean?”

The dad says, “It means shaving cream.”

Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey;

she accidentally cuts herself and says, “F*ck.”

The son asks her what that word means and she says,

“It means carving.”

That evening, the family’s guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner.

The son opens the door to welcome them and says,

“Welcome bitches and bastards!

My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey.”

 

 

 

 

Weight lose program

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.

A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.

So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.

He tries to catch her, but is unable.

This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.

After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.

The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.

The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.

This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.

Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.

Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.

Still he signs up.

The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”

The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; He lost 35 pounds.

 

 

Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

 

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

A: Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.